Perfect Clarity
by Sunnydalesis
Summary: When the Tabula Rasa crystal breaks, everyone gets more than just their memories back, especially Buffy who regains the memory of a day that never happened. Then her brooding ex-boyfriend comes to town, and things start getting complicated. With a vengeful demon hunter and an equally hell-bent witch on the loose, how will Buffy and Spike make time to have a proper relationship?
This story is a personal one for me. This week a few years ago was one of the hardest weeks of my life because I had a lot of anxiety at the time and a toxic relationship that I had to walk away from. This fic is part of what I hope will be a personal catharsis for myself as well as for all of you.

Betaed by All4Spike. Any mistakes remaining are my own.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

Her whole life came flooding back to her. An entire kaleidoscope of memories coming in a million flashes all at once. However, she didn't just see her own past. An entire tidal wave of other memories crashed over her: Xander being possessed by the Hyena demon and choosing to lie about his attempted assault, then choosing to lie again about Willow casting the ensoulment spell on Angel; Cordelia's wish resulting in Sunnydale being overrun by vampires, the vampire versions of her best friends; Willow's Will Be Done spell; all the dreams that were caused by the Joining spell…

Added to this was knowledge of something which she'd been forced to forget. A demon that she kinda recognized attacking Angel, its blood mixing with his, Angel becoming human, the lovemaking they'd shared...and then Angel deciding to take it all away from her because he couldn't handle being human.

She felt a gentle hand on her shoulder and turned to look at Spike, vamped out. In spite of his demonic appearance, the last thing Buffy wanted was to be alone.

Without saying a word, she sobbed into Spike's shoulder, taking comfort in his arms. After taking a couple of deep breaths, Buffy stopped crying.

"You alright?" he asked, his gentle voice a stark contrast to his monstrous face.

Buffy shook her head.

"I want to go home," she said.

###

When she got home, she found Dawn waiting out on the front porch, arms folded in anger.

"What's going on?" Buffy asked.

"Tara's leaving," she said.

"What? No!" Buffy said.

Buffy caught Tara as the tawny-haired witch was going down the stairs.

"Buffy, you don't understand," Tara said. "Willow, she—"

"I know. But that doesn't mean you have to leave. Dawn needs you."

"But I can't stay! She promised me—"

"Then why do you have to go?" Buffy asked. "I'm gonna talk to her, okay? But please stay in the living room with Dawn and Spike."

With a sniffle, Tara reluctantly nodded. "Okay."

Spike dragged Dawn back inside, his face reverted back to its human form. The insecure teen sat on the couch and clung onto Tara for dear life while Buffy went upstairs. She found Willow, crying in the bathroom.

"Get up," Buffy said in the sternest voice she could muster. "We need to talk."

Using the cordless phone located in Willow and Tara's room, Buffy called the Magic Box.

"Hello?" Giles asked.

"Oh thank God!" Buffy said. "I thought you'd left."

Giles sighed. "I really thought about it, but given all that has happened, I realized that I am still needed here."

"Good. We need to have a meeting. I'm bringing Willow, Tara, and Spike. Where are Anya and Xander?"

"They're already here in the shop."

"Okay. I'll see you in a bit."

A short while later, all the Scoobies were gathered in the Magic Box.

"I know everyone's got a lot on their minds, right now," Buffy said. "But we can't just act like all that we saw never happened."

"I kinda want to forget," Xander said. "There was a lot that I didn't want to see."

"But you did, Xander," Buffy said. "You never took responsibility for assaulting me under the influence of the hyena demon. Then you chose to lie to me about Willow casting the ensoulment spell on Angel. It was not your place to do so! For all your talk about how evil demons are, you sure made one hell of a vampire! I'm not sure if I can trust you with anything anymore."

Xander could only hang his head in shame.

"Buffy is right." Giles said. "And the same goes for you, Willow."

"But I didn't do anything wrong!" Willow whined. "I just wanted to make everything better."

"You're not making anything better by taking away our memories!" Tara said. "You promised me that you would go a week without magic and now look what you did! You're just as bad as that vampire version of you, if not worse."

Tara's words only made Willow cry harder.

"So what are we gonna do about all this, Buffy?" Dawn asked. "I don't want Tara to leave."

"I don't either," Buffy said. "After all, we need to have a responsible, sensible witch in the house, don't we?"

Tara's eyes filled with realization. "You really don't have to," she said.

"We insist," Buffy said. "You're gonna stay with us. Willow, however, will have to find somewhere else to live."

"What? But where? I don't want to live with my mom or move back to the dorms!"

"You can probably stay with me," Giles said. "After all that we've seen, I think I can help you understand the consequences of magic. I told you before that the magicks you channelled are more primal and ferocious than you can hope to understand. All magic comes at a price and the things you've done might cost you your life, or someone else's."

"No! I don't want to die! I don't want anyone to die! I just want…" Willow curled up into a ball and sobbed. Giles patted her on the shoulder.

Buffy turned to Anya and said, "Anya, seeing your old life as a vengeance demon made me realize that I have a lot to learn when it comes to demons. Maybe you can help Xander cope with his personal demons."

Anya nodded. "I'll probably have to put off the wedding, but I do want Xander to accept all of me before we get married." Then her face fell. "Oh God, I'll have to deny him sex, too!"

In spite of herself, Buffy held back her laughter at the thought of Anya trying not to have sex. Then she looked at Spike and smiled at him. Everyone else paired off to have their own private conversations.

Tara and Dawn talked about their new living arrangements while Xander and Anya had a heart-to-heart behind the register.

Giles led Willow up to the loft to look for a magical cleansing ritual. Buffy sat down next to Spike.

"So you got to see a lot," Buffy said.

"How come you didn't address the other major elephant in the room?" Spike asked. "I saw what happened."

"Believe me, Spike, it's all I can do not to go to Los Angeles right now, but I've got a lot to deal with here."

As if on cue, the conversations were all interrupted at the sound of the shop's bell ringing as someone entered. Everyone scowled when they saw Angel standing in the doorway.

He was immediately on the defensive. "Buffy, I know what you probably saw a couple of hours ago, and I can explain-"

Angel's paltry attempt to make excuses got cut off as Buffy stood up. She stormed over to him, her footsteps turning into heavy stomps. She punched him on the nose and slugged him in the gut. When she kneed him hard in the balls, he collapsed in agony.

"There's nothing to talk about Angel," Buffy said. "You don't get to decide what I do or how I feel. I do! My mind is my own and it's not yours to play with! You took these choices from me, and left me with no way of actually getting over you. You removed my agency and my power. You basically raped my mind, not to mention making me forget that we'd had sex, and you don't get to claim a moral high ground about it. You stole a part of my life, without asking me, then came back before it was done and rubbed my face in it. Bad enough you chose to do this without even consulting me but then you dropped that decision in my face like an atomic bomb on Hiroshima!"

With another kick to the balls, she finished her diatribe. "Now get your ass back to Los Angeles, Angel, or I will send it back there in an ashtray along with the rest of you!"

Angel looked up at Buffy, who was grabbing the nearest stake she could find. Then he looked at Spike, who smirked at him. Dawn was trying to hide her smile behind her hands. Xander crossed his arms and looked particularly smug. Giles shook his head like a disappointed father, but his eyes were hard. And Willow looked at Angel with pity.

Angel strained to get up. "Buffy, it's not what you think."

Buffy made a fist with one hand and raised her stake with the other. "Are you sure about that?"

With a growl, Angel walked out, slamming the door behind him. Buffy and Spike watched as he got back into his car and drove away, face permanently set on brood mode.

"He's not gonna go down without a fight," Spike said. "And unless there's an apocalypse going on in Los Angeles that we don't know about, we might want to make sure he actually leaves town."

Buffy nodded, then turned to look at everyone. "Tara, please take Dawn home. Giles, make sure Willow doesn't follow them. Anya... take care of Xander." Handing Spike a stake, she finished with, "Spike, you're coming with me."

Spike gave a Cheshire cat smile and raised his eyebrow as if to say, "You're darn right I'm coming with you."

The two of them headed out the door, trailing Angel as he drove his convertible to the old mansion on Crawford Street. There, they saw Cordelia with a baby boy in her arms. Angel greeted the baby with a kiss and gave Cordelia a sad look. The former cheerleader brushed off the pitiful look and went upstairs.

"You think Angel will do anything?" Buffy asked.

"Knowing old Peaches?" Spike asked. "Not right now. He'll probably brood all night and come up with some kind of plan."

"I wonder why Cordelia came with him. And whose baby is that?"

"Dunno. But it's not bloody likely we'll get any answers right now."

"So what are you thinking? Bronze?"

"Sure."

###

Back at the Magic Box, Xander helped Anya lock up the store.

"Don't you think it's weird that Tara and Willow were already drawn towards each other while we barely talked and yet we're the ones about to be married here?" Anya asked. "Hell, Buffy and Spike were practically boyfriend and girlfriend!"

"Yeah. And I saw what I could've been. What you used to be," Xander turned to look at his fiancée, as if for the first time. "I never knew you were on the outside so much, even as a human."

Anya nodded. "I'm sorry about your parents. They don't have to come to the wedding, you know."

"Can I be honest?" Xander asked. "I'm kinda scared of turning into my father. And right now, I feel like I hardly know you. I mean, I saw bits and pieces of your life, but if we're gonna get married, I want to do it knowing all of you, demon and everything."

Anya grinned. "So how do you suppose we do that?"

"Coffee and doughnuts at the espresso pump?"

"Okay. Can we have sex at home after?"

"Anya!"

Meanwhile, Willow and Giles looked through a pile of books which looked into the ethics of magic, in the hopes of finding a cleansing ritual for Willow. While Willow didn't mind learning about magic, she didn't see the point of cleansing herself of dark magic. She didn't have any dark magic in her at all because all the magic she did was good. She hoped that given enough time, she could prove to Giles just how wrong he was.

###

Buffy and Spike invited Tara and Dawn on their night out at the Bronze, given that Dawn was a huge fan of Michelle Branch. While Tara and Dawn danced close to the stage, Buffy and Spike were lost in each other's eyes, arms around each other in their very first slow dance.

Buffy listened intently to the song Michelle Branch was performing. "I'm kinda digging this song," she said.

"There's some nice poetry in it," Spike admitted.

Buffy's eyes widened as she remembered something. "You lied to me."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"The last time we were here together, you told me that you've always been bad...I don't think you are."

Spike found himself at a loss for words. His eyes widened in shock, so Buffy continued.

"You're not all bad, Spike. I saw who you were. And I think part of that bloody awful poet is still in you."

Spike felt himself get paler. "What are you saying?"

"I feel kinda lost right now. And so far, you, Dawn, and Tara are the only ones I feel I can trust. I think Anya might be in the running too. But I want to keep my distance from Xander, Willow, and Giles. At least for now."

"Whatever you want, luv."

Buffy rested her head on Spike's shoulder. "It's funny. When I was Joan, I felt strangely drawn to you. I didn't want to kill you."

"Randy didn't want to kill Joan, either."

"And when we were under the Will Be Done spell, we didn't just want to get married. I felt...happy and so much in love, like I never felt before. And I felt the same when I was Joan. I'm not sure what that means, though."

"Doesn't have to mean anything," Spike said.

The conversation fell to silence with a sigh from Buffy as they continued swaying to the music. After the concert ended, Buffy went home with Spike, Tara, and Dawn in tow. Just as Spike was about to leave for his crypt, Buffy pulled him by the hand.

"Stay with me...please?"

In spite of the shock he felt, Spike nodded and went upstairs to Buffy's room. Buffy changed into her pajamas in the bathroom and closed the curtains so that no sunlight would come streaming onto her bed. Then, she curled up in Spike's arms, exhausted from all that had happened. There were some soft sobs throughout the night as well as screams from the nightmares. But throughout it all, Spike held her, made her aware of his presence, which gave her a strange comfort.

It still surprised Spike, when Buffy woke up from her restless night, that she greeted him with a kiss on the forehead. He wasn't sure what that meant. But it was enough to give him hope.

* * *

Just as a word of warning, I'm not gonna be nice to Angel or Willow in this fic, but I will throw them a bone towards the end. I'm not that dark and angsty after all.

Explanation for the memories: The Tabula Rasa spell is tied to memory, so it's plausible that when the crystal broke, all the people who were caught in the spell could have a shared memory experience. It also unlocked the memory that the Powers took from Buffy.

I hope y'all can go with what I've got! Thanks especially to my Chatzy friends for encouraging me on this.


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